hello there. I absolutely feel like I need to get this off my chest, because I'll feel guilty if I don't. maybe not guilty in the sense that truly, I haven't done anything wrong recently, but still, it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest.
why have I been gone? why haven't I been posting?
I'm not all sure myself, right now. I don't want to say uninspired, because that would be lying to myself. for starters, I just began high school and the work load is big. I shouldn't be writing this journal; I've got an Honors ELA project to finish, but this is important. have I been lacking in ideas? yeah, that's part of it. another part would be that I have ideas, but I don't have the skills.
see, I've always seen myself as inferior to everyone else. everybody is practicing and getting better and making greater things, but whenever I try, all I get is no response or just absolute garbage. for example, my ex and I used to run blogs (vocaloid ask blogs, more specifically). neither of us were phenomenal artists, but no matter how much I practice, she always managed to move on and ended up becoming friends with a few very famous Vocalo-Ps in the west because of her art. (sure, there's probably more to it, but that's how I've interpreted it.) I remember crying and crying whenever her name was mentioned or whenever I saw her; now I'm on a club crew with her doppelganger, interestingly enough.
the same can be said for mmd. I've been in the game for over four years now, yet obscure accounts will appear out of thin air and have god-like skills. I can't make shit, but then I see a ton of amazing creators being able to make their own clothing/models in meta and pmxe. again, there's skill, and time =/= skill—but no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything. I suppose it's because I'm completely clueless.
then there's my mental state. now, I'm not going to say I'm clinically depressed, since I have not talked to a doctor of any sort about it. however, I've been in that general headspace for at least a couple of years now. I'm in complete denial almost all of the time, I'm socially awkward, and I feel so lonely and useless. I feel so restricted, not being able to create my visions, like I'm a waste of "talent". everyone else has someone to rely on, or someone special, and I'm always afraid I'll never find that one person that no matter how bad I am at everything, they'll accept me for me. in some ways, I want to curl up and die and never see the day again.
it always feels like my attempts are futile and that I'll never succeed in life. I'll just end up working some boring desk job, wishing I had pursued my dreams, but it'd have been "too much" or "out of our budget". it's actually kinda funny, I've received quite a few good things in life, yet I'm still unhappy with where I am.
in the end, it's all silly and it doesn't matter. thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Reading: JoJolion (waiting for the next update)